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| We pick up our story where we left off last issue but we aren't going to explain it because, frankly, we've already forgotten what happened. |
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Flash Bulletin from NYCNN news bringing you this live report from the streets of the Big Apple. As we stand here, civilians are panicked and there is rampant destruction as the Earth's second mightiest heroes, the Revengers have been battling against those dastardly villains the Masters of Dirty Deeds. But wait, listen... we can pick up the action now..."
Gargantuan Guy: "One side, Snore! I'll tackle them"
Ferrous Fellow: "Hold it, Tight Pockets! They've got an ace up their sleeves!"
X-ecutioner (on loan from the X-books * for just this occasion): "That's right Revengers! Come any further and we will destroy even more of the city! Can your patron Tiny Stork really afford to pay for all the damage we can wreak?"
* Oops - this is 1965, there are no X books - just one lone volume that we're going to cancel soon anyway - everyone knows that mutants will never catch on - prognosticating Lonni
"This is your news reporter again folks. The Revengers are certainly in trouble now. The M.O.D.D.'s are threatening further destruction of our fair city. But, wait! It looks like our heroes have something in mind."
Ferrous Fellow: "There's only one out, Snore! Implement Plan Z!"
Snore: " Verily, methinks thy suggestion hath merit, friend."
F.F.: "Say what?"
"And there he is ladies and gentlemen, the amazing Snore, Norse God of Naps, whirling his mighty Uru Pillow and... yes... it looks like some of the villains are falling asleep now, although it appears that the X-ecutioner and the Seductress have managed to escape."
"Perhaps we can get a word in with the heroes, oh Ferrous Fellow?? Ferrous Fellow? Flash Bulletin here, of NYCNN news. Could you say a few words to our listeners? Tell me F.F., I couldn't help but notice you calling Gargantuan Guy 'Tight Pockets'. Rather an odd nick name don't you think? Exactly where did that come from?"
F.F.: "Well if you'd ever tried to get him to pick up a check... I mean... actually it's all because of him washing his uniform in hot water just last..."
"Oh pardon me F.F., there's beautiful heiress Janet Van Dollar. Oh Janet, a few words please for your adoring public?? How does it feel to be the Winsome Wasp?"
J.V.D.: "Ewww! You think I'm some creepy little bug? I'm not the Wasp, I'm the WASP. I battle evil with over solicitous platitudes, absolute ignorance of the true situation and, of course, generous doses of Perrier water."
"Oops, my mistake. Well, you've just defeated the M.O.D.D squad. You must feel pretty proud."
J.V.D.: "The Mod Squad? Ohhh, which one is Peggy Lipton? Oh never mind, I have to go now. The Quincar is here and the peons, I mean, police can take care of these nasty old criminals. I'm going back to the Revengers Residence to see if we can find out how Major States made out in South America. Tata!"
| We cut now to the jungles of South America where Major States and his sidekick Dick Smith have just defeated * the dreaded Baron Zero. |
* as told in last issue, or maybe it was in Anecdotes of Incertitude 68 or then again, oh well, we told you somewhere, buy all our books and find out - bewildered Lonni
M.S.: "Dick, that's a pretty nice grave but haven't you finished burying him yet?"
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj! I'm really proud of this grave, but this is hard work and you did ask me to bury him fifteen feet deep after all. Can't you help?"
M.S.: "We all have our parts to play for freedom, my boy. Mine is to defeat dastardly villains and accept the adoration of these natives. Yours is to dig."
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj! By the way how are we going to get home? All of the planes have been destroyed.."
M.S.: "Not to worry chum. The natives think I'm a god so they're going to carry me to the American military base 50 miles away. Oh yes, you're walking, but you can carry my bags."
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj! "
| But enough of this, we now return to the Revenger's HQ on Manhattan's upper east side.... |
Three of our heroes are seated around a table, Ferrous Fellow has just reported on the police incarceration of the M.O.D.D. and the escape of two of their members. Gargantuan Guy shrinks down to normal size (after having already broken three chairs trying to sit on them at his ten foot height) and wonders where Snore is.
"Oh he said something about a Trial of the Gods * " replied the WASP. "He wrapped his blankie around his shoulders and flew off. Personally, I think he's just gone to watch wrestling again."
* check out Snore 116 - on sale now! - promulgating Lonni [ummm... what do you mean I haven't written it yet?? ack!]
"But honey," G.G. protested. "That's his cape around his shoulders."
"Oh phooey, it's a blankie, everyone knows that. Since we haven't heard from the Major I think this would be a great time to take a leave of absence. I can hardly even get my hair done because Vidal is annoyed that I keep missing appointments while we fight some stupid super villain. Besides, today no one even took a picture of my new tri colored, ultra revealing costume, and even worse, I've broken a nail."
"Gee honey, I never though how hard this must be for you. What do you think F.F.?"
"I think we should disband while we have the chance! This is costing me... I mean, Tiny Stork a fortune you know."
| But suddenly...... |
"Look!" cried Gargantuan Guy. "Smoke! Billowing under the door! We're under attack!"
"Stay back!" Ferrous Fellow snapped. "I'm the least vulnerable in my armor." Under his breath he muttered, " Besides, I won't trash the place while I'm checking it out either."
Dashing into the next room our heroes find a smoking arrow firmly imbedded in the back of the door and their butler Gerbil tied up and lying on the floor.
"Ack!" gasped F.F. "Look.. it's who I thought it was, and now we'll have a fight on our hands! It's Hawkmouth the Targetperson!"
"No! Wait!" The purple clad archer extended his hands and appealed to them. "I've come as a friend! I never wanted to be.... ummm..... I never really.... ummm... hang on." He bent over to retrieve some scattered pieces of paper that had fallen from his hands. "Damn! I dropped my cue cards. Now they're all out of order. How can I make an impassioned and totally out of character speech without cue cards??"
Ferrous Fellow scratched his head ( a particularly unrewarding and noisy exercise since he was wearing his helmet at the time). "Do you really mean that you started out trying to be a hero like me?"
Hawk (nodding) : "Uh huh."
F.F.: "And that you were mistaken for a crook your first time out?"
Hawk (nodding) : "Uh huh."
F.F.: "And you only attacked me because you fell in love with the beautiful Dark Dowager, who was really working for her Communist masters?"
Hawk (nodding): "Uh huh."
F.F.: "And that she was recently shot by her former compatriots and you have sworn to dedicate your life to being a hero to make amends?"
Hawk (nodding) : "Uh huh."
F.F.: "Well, I'm certainly glad you explained that Hawkmouth, I would have never guessed. Welcome to the Revengers! By the way, how about untying Gerbil, I'm getting hungry and he can't make dinner while he's tied up"
Hawk: "Right! I don't need cue cards for that. I'll just stand him up here and fire off three of these nice razor sharp arrows and untie him that way."
Gerbil: 'Mmmphhhllll. Gggnnnggghhh."
F.F.: " Never mind, I guess he wants to cook just as he is."
Hawk (nodding) : "Uh huh."
| And so the next day the search for replacements goes on. |
A nuclear powered remote control TV camera searched the depths of the ocean. From it's loud speakers blared: "Revengers seeking Prince Monar! Do you hear us Sub-seafarer?"
Within moments the mutant * Monar arrived demanding to know who has disturbed him.
* he is not a mutant, he's a hybrid - editorial Lee Stan
* he is so a mutant - look at those wings - authorial Lonni
* ahem... and just who signs your paycheck? - editorial Lee Stan
* he is not a mutant, he's a hybrid - potentially bankrupt Lonni
| Sorry about that.... back to our story. |
"The Revengers dare!" trumpeted the loudspeaker. "We come to offer you the chance to renounce your dreams of world conquest and become one of us, a Revenger."
"I can never ally myself with humans, " Monar replied "Although your offer does me honor."
And that reply is heard back at Revengers H.Q.
"Spoken like the prince he is." commented Gargantuan Guy.
Ferrous Fellow remained silent but thought, sure... so why did he blow up our underwater camera right after he said it? This is costing me a fortune.
| Meanwhile, half way across the world in an isolated Swiss chalet, a lovely young woman watched as the world's fastest human raced towards her across the snow." |
"Wendy, my sister! I have wonderful news." Brandishing a newspaper Petey Minimoff screeched to a halt by his twin sister's side. "Look! The Revengers, earth's second mightiest heroes, are seeking new members. This could be our big chance!"
"Petey, how many times do I have to remind you? I don't think you should use your super speed on the snow, it makes it melt. I thought we had agreed to never use our powers again after we were so cruelly misused by the evil Attracto and his minions, the Party of Pernicious Mutants." Wendy, the lovely Cerise Sorceress, lowered her head sadly.
Her brother, Swiftsterling, replied, "But I am sure that the Revengers will accept us without caring that we're different. Besides, I am the elder and make the decisions here." Behind him, the melting snow slipped farther down the mountain towards the village below. "I shall write a letter to them now. Surely they will not fear us because we are mutants as these foolish local humans do." He had to shout the last few words to be heard over the sounds of the avalanche that buried the buildings in the valley.
Wendy looked respectfully downward *. "You are my brother. I shall do as you say. *"
* this is 1965 after all, but just wait for the women's movement in a few years - liberated Lonni :)
| Meanwhile, in the auditorium of Revengers Residence, a most unusual press conference was underway. |
Ferrous Fellow, standing at the podium, made the eagerly awaited announcement. "Ladies and gentlemen, we've called you here to announce our first new replacement member in many months. I'm pleased to present Hawkmouth the Targetperson. He has passed all of our rigorous qualifications and has been fully cleared by the Federal Security Agency."
As the reporters clustered about, F.F. thought, 'Hawk might have been cleared but it cost me plenty in bribes and kickbacks. Guy had a record as long as my arm Oh well, I suppose we can always lock up the silverware.'
After the press conference our heroes retired to the lounge. Hawkmouth cleared his throat and spoke. "I'm grateful to all of you for your trust in me. I vow I'll never.... I mean... I'll always try... ummm.... Damn! No cue cards again! Geez, I can't say all this longwinded stuff without my cue cards!"
F.F.: "You mean you won't do anything to discredit us?"
Hawk (nodding) : "Uh huh."
F.F.:" And your only regret is that you won't get the chance to fight alongside of us?"
Hawk (nodding) : "Uh huh."
G.G.: "Spoken like a true Revenger Hawkmouth, I'm sure we won't be disappointed in you. Now lets check some more of this mail we've received from applicants"
| And at that very moment deep in the Amazon jungle we find.... |
Major States and his plucky companion Dick Smith are making their way through the dangerous jungle. Deserted by their native guides after Major's fiftieth consecutive recital of the Declaration of Independence, the two of them now trudge endlessly forward.
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj! I always wanted to see the Amazon. By the way, can you get this snake off me, he's squeezing pretty tight."
Major : "Well, I could do that son. But I feel, as your friend and mentor, that I'd be robbing you of a great chance to establish your own independence."
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj! Gnnngghhhh "
>From the jungle came a piercing shriek. "CUT! Damn it. Who let the civilians on the set? Someone get the stunt snake away from the kid before I get sued for cruelty to animals. What are you clowns doing here?"
"Why, I'm Major States, champion of democracy, and this my youthful ward... I mean... my youthful companion, Dick Smith. We are battling our way through this uncivilized jungle seeking to reach the military base so that we can return home to the U.S. of A.."
The director rolled his eyes. "Jungle?? You star spangled idiot, you're 10 miles inside the city limits of Rio and on a closed movie set. Oh never mind. Someone call these two a cab to take them to the airport. Geez! Tourists!"
Major States: "Well Dick, thanks to my great sense of direction it seems that we're finally on our way back to New York."
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj! Gee, I wonder what's been happening with the Revengers?"
| For the answer to Dick's question we return to the bustling waterfront of New York where Tiny Stork and his chauffeur Hoppy awaited the arrival of two potential new Revengers, Petey and Wendy Minimoff. |
Surrounded by reporters Swiftsterling agreed to demonstrate his abilities and race the limousine back to the Revengers Residence. As he dashed off, leaving melted asphalt behind him, the reporters were stunned. Hoppy started to follow in the limo, and as the wheels became imbedded in the now ruined road Stork thought "Oh boy - better get the checkbook out again.'
Finally arriving back at H.Q Tiny left them and went to change to his Ferrous Fellow armor, since most of the members still guarded their secret identities. As he donned his helmet he thought, 'we now have three good replacement members but do we have enough raw power? If only we could find the Inflatable Buck and convince him to rejoin us.'
| Meanwhile....... |
Major States, and his sidekick Dick Smith, had finally arrived in New York and were pulling their rented car up in front of Tiny Storks east side mansion when they spotted the throngs of people outside. Leaving Dick to park the car Major leapt from the hood of the vehicle (leaving several nasty dents and scratches which Stork would, of course, have to pay for) and sprang over the onlookers and through a window (a closed window of course). As the shattering glass showered those outside he bravely searched the house for enemies, demolishing many of the expensive defense mechanisms as he did so. Finding nothing he joined Dick at the door of the conference room.
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj! The crowd outside are still talking about that leap of yours, at least those that weren't rushed to the hospital. You sure gave them something to write home about! Gee, I wonder what some of them meant about suing out pants off?"
"I'm sure you misheard them. Come along Dick, lets give our report and see what all the excitement is about."
Opening the door the two adventurers were surprised to see three unknown costumed figures seated at the conference table with the Revengers. One of them, an attractive girl, seemed to be making an acceptance speech. When the regular members noticed the new arrivals Gargantuan Guy immediately started tossing Major up and down (cracking the ceiling and breaking several light fixtures in the process of course). When he finally put down the star spangled, and rather air sick hero introductions were made and the three original members explained that the new ones were to be their replacements while they all takes leaves of absence.
Leaving his teammates to ponder this, Ferrous Fellow ventured outside to announce the new lineup to the world. Newspeople and the public hung on his every word as did most of the world's villains who immediately begin plotting their attacks * on the new team.
* watch for these adventures in our upcoming issues, which I'll gladly write as soon as my paychecks stop bouncing - slightly irritated Lonni
Returning to the conference room he sighed "Well it's done! I made the announcement. Now it's up to you."
In the background Dick lamented (perkily of course) "He didn't mention my name. I.. I guess I'll never be a full-fledged Avenger."
Maj: "All in good time Dick."
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj!"
F.F. (under his breath): "Who is this kid anyway?" He continued out loud "I must leave, I have many personal reasons. But when the team was first formed there was another member. In spite of all of your skills I urge you to seek out the strength of the Inflatable Buck."
At that moment the door crashed to the floor and the doorway was filled by a huge green creature. As he lumbering into the room the newest of the Revengers all assumed defensive stances. The gamma radiated monster glared at them. Hawkmouth let fly with a blast arrow. Back batted it from the air and it exploded against a wall of expensive computer equipment.
As Ferrous Fellow groaned, the great brute roared "Stupid purple man! Buck crash!" Off in the distance there was the sound of shattering glass and a far off scream. He continued "Buck not want to be here with puny humans. Leave Buck alone."
F.F.: "Buck? I don't understand. What are you doing here? The team won't start looking for you until the next issue. You're early."
Buck: "This not Issue 17?"
The Revengers shook their heads.
Buck: "You not look for Buck?"
The Revengers shook their heads.
Buck: "ARRRGGHHHH!!! BUCK CRASH!!!"
The Revengers shook their heads. As the green monster smashed yet another hole in the wall and leapt away Ferrous Fellow stifled a sob and off in the distance there was the sound of shattering glass and a far off scream. Gargantuan Guy looked puzzled.
G.G.: "What is that sound?"
F.F. "That's from Wall Street. I've told him not to do that. Every time he hollers 'Buck Crash' we lose another stock broker." *
* do you mean that you went totally out of continuity in a classic issue just for one lousy pun?? - editorially indignant Lee Stan
* but it was such a GOOD pun - humor-challenged Lonni
F.F. continued: "I've made the announcement. It's up to you now. The mantle has been passed." As the new team made its way out to where the eager newsmen awaited, Ferrous Fellow, Gargantuan Guy and the Wondrous WASP made their good-byes to each other. Jan, platinum AMEX card clutched tightly in her first, headed off for Fifth Avenue, Hank firmly in tow. Tiny headed for his limousine.
"Where to boss?"
"The factory Hoppy! I want to lose myself in my work for a while... a long while. And at the rate the Revengers are costing me money, I may not be back until after the Crossing."
"The what?"
"Oh, nothing... just drive." And so, as the New Revengers accepted the cheers of the crowd, a new era began. As the newsmen clamored for more, Major States raised his arm and shouted "Revengers Reconvene!"
Dick (perkily): "Wow, thanks Maj!"
Hawk (nodding) : "Uh huh."
We hope you enjoyed this tongue in cheek look at the classic Avengers 16. Please send your comments to lonni@paratime.ca.