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The Real World Avengers

Episode 2

“He said........she said.......”

Thor: A lot of tongues in the house. Everybody talks about each other to each other.

Sandman: People talk. People love to talk. To anyone, about anyone.

She-Hulk: Everybody smiles at each other, and them runs to tell someone else what he or she did.

Northstar: Gossip! That’s the number one thing in the house right now.

Beast: Little whispers in the kitchen, talks in the hall, stares in the bathroom....

Wasp: I only stared at him because I had never seen him so wet before. It was kind of gross. Like one of those wet dogs. Yuck!

Beast: She was staring all right....I course she’ll say it was because I look like a wet dog when I’m wet. But we both know what she was really looking at!

Wasp: I don’t care what he says, I was married to Giant Man for *#!@?* sake! Giant Man! How cocky....sorry bad choice of words. How arrogant can one guy get?

[Inside the Game room of the Avengers Mansion]

[She-Hulk and Sandman shoot a game of pool.]

Sandman: [grins] You’ll never make that shot Shulkie!

She-Hulk: [looks up] Left side middle pocket. [Makes the shot] Beat that gritty boy. And don’t call me Shulkie.

Sandman: [grins] Sure thing princess. But you know we’re not all that different you and me.

She-Hulk: You and I? You must be joking.

Sandman: Oh no. Remember I used to be a villain, the worst of the worst. And you? Well there was that time spent as the Savage She-Hulk?

She-Hulk: That’s not the same thing at all!

Sandman: Isn’t it?

She-Hulk: No it’s not. First of all. You were a villain! You fought the good guys and did bad things! I was just....misunderstood.

Sandman: Misunderstood my rear mud flaps!

She-Hulk: Huh? Whatever. Look I’ll make you a deal. If I can make the next shot, you have to take that back, and admit that I’m more of a woman then you could ever handle.

Sandman: Ha! There isn’t a woman around I couldn’t handle. But if I win.....I want a look at your breasts.

She-Hulk: Keep dreaming you horny thing!

Sandman: Come on! You’ve got the best rack this side of the Negative Zone!

She-Hulk: I do? That’s sweet.....in a pathetic sort of way. But.....

Sandman: Are afraid you’ll miss?

She-Hulk: Stand back sandbox. Eight ball corner pocket.

[She-Hulk makes the shot]

She Hulk: [smiling] I’d like to have my confession in the morning with Orange Juice and French Toast.

Sandman: [shakes head] God. Your going to milk this for everything it’s worth aren’t you?

She-Hulk: For the rest of the show!

[The pair laughs]

She-Hulk: It’s really weird. I mean Sandman is an immature little cat box......but at the same time I’ve actually started to enjoy the time we’ve spent together.

Sandman: I think She-Hulk and I make a great pair. She can let down her hair and be herself when she’s with me. Just get together and have some fun. No pressure.

[Voice coming from another room] Photon: Sandman!! Where the *!$? are you?!

She-Hulk: I think your in trouble.

Sandman: Think so?

[Photon enters] Photon: What the hell do you think your doing Sandman? Did you think I wasn’t going to find out?

Sandman: What?

Photon: [screams] There’s sand in my underwear drawer!

She-Hulk: Oh *#@%.

Sandman: And you think that was me?

Photon: No. I think that it was Janet or Northstar. Of course it was you!

Sandman: I’m innocent until proven guilty.

Photon: Which you are!

She-Hulk: You really are a piece of work. [exits]

Photon: [walks up to Sandman] Listen to me. I swear to all the Gods in Asgard in the sky that if I see so much as a dust bunny in my room from now on, I’ll kill you. In front of the camera. Death. Murder. You.

Sandman: Are you as turned on as I am?

Photon: Your lower then dog snot you know that?

Sandman: I thought so.

Northstar: Things in my room are very.....interesting! I’m living in the Avengers mansion with a God. What could be better?

[Thor exits the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist - enters bedroom]

[Northstar looks up still in bed]

Thor: Morning Northstar.

Northstar: Um.....morning. Wow.

Thor: Wow?

Northstar: Wonder! I said wonder, like wonder what I’m going to have for breakfast.

Thor: Oh.....ok.

Northstar: It can be very frustrating sometimes. All those muscles right beside me all the time. That long blond hair! Of course I would love to get a look at his.....hammer!

Thor: [turns around] Hey Northstar, have you seem my lucky socks? I thought they were.....

[Thor drops the towel, and stands naked.]

Northstar: Oh my God....

[Thor dives throwing on a bed sheet]

Thor: I’m so sorry. I guess it slipped. Oh man....

Northstar: Oh my.....

[Northstar exits running]

Thor: %!#$

[Mansion’s living room. Beast in Wasp are it a table, She-Hulk is reading the paper, and Photon and Sandman are fighting over what to watch.]

Sandman: Come on I love this show!

Photon: We’re not watching Jerry Springer! Besides There’s a documentary on African wood carving I want to watch.

Sandman: Boring! Come on girl, have some fun for once in your life.

Photon: All right, I’ll start by ripping off your.....

She-Hulk: [interrupts] Hey now you two. Do I need to send you two your rooms? Besides Judge Judy is on right now. Turn it to channel 12.

Photon: Sounds good to me.

Sandman: Me too, I love her!

[Beast and Wasp are sitting at a table]

Beast: Then you spread the butter and you have pancakes!

Wasp: [looks down at plate] That really is amazing Hank. I thought they came like that. I didn’t know you had to......make them.

Beast: It a wonder all right.

[Northstar enters]

Northstar [upset]: Hank! Where’s Hank?

Beast: Right here, Northstar what’s the matter?

[The others look up and gather around]

Photon: What happened?

Northstar: I was in bed...Thor came in a towel....the towel dropped and..... I can’t say it!

Wasp: Yes you can! What did you see. Was it his......

Northstar: His hammer. I saw it all right. But.....

She-Hulk: What? Come on!

Northstar: Thor...he....has a small penis.

[Silence]

Sandman: HA! Heh-heh. I knew it!

Photon: You knew nothing just like now.

Wasp: My god, are you sure?

Northstar: It was like looking at a toddler.

She-Hulk: Are you sure it wasn’t just....shy. Or cold? He was coming out of the shower.

Northstar: Do you think I want to say this? No. It was the real thing.

She-Hulk: It’s not an important thing. The size of a man’s....happy stick.

Wasp: It’s an important thing. Don’t let anyone fool you. The person who said it was had a small penis.

Northstar: Yeah I think I over reacted a little. I mean I was excepting something and it wasn’t there. And I know for sure I shouldn’t have told the whole house. That was a big mistake.

Thor: He told the whole house! *%$# ! @&$ ?@ !? % $ $?? ! @&$# ?#*!&$. He told the whole house! On TV!

Sandman: Ha-ha heh heh ha heheh he ha ho ha hehe he ho ha ha heh ho heh ha ho HA!

[Thor enters]

Sandman: Well if it isn’t old inch warm!

[Thor looks over at Northstar] Thor: You told them?

Northstar: It sort of...popped out.

Sandman: Something you should know something about.

Thor: *!$? you Sandman. In fact !@&? you all! I’m going out!

[Leaves slamming the door]

[Silence by everyone]

Sandman: Hey pancakes! Are they for anyone?

[Wasp, Northstar, She-Hulk, and Photon are out shopping. They are sitting at a table outside a restaurant having coffee]

Northstar: I feel awful.

Photon: Oh come on guy. He’s a God. He’ll get over it. Besides he knows you didn’t mean it.....it was just shock.

She-Hulk: Just give him time to work off some steam.

Wasp: [to Northstar] Can I ask you something?

Northstar: Maybe.

Wasp: Do you know....have an idea who else is gay? You know in our heroes circle?

Northstar: You mean besides Hank Pym?

Wasp: [points] All right that’s the last time.

Northstar: Weeelllll. There’s Johnny Storm.

She-Hulk: Bull.

Northstar: Nope classic closet case. He’s afraid to come out. He’s afraid The Thing will kill him. And I don’t know this for sure but anyone who calls himself The Thing? Well he’s got my attention.

Photon: More then the Whizzer?

[The group laughs]

Wasp: Who else?

Northstar: Well of course there’s Bobby Drake, The Iceman. Not to mention US Agent.

She-Hulk: NO!

Northstar: Oh yes. There’s Quasar, Hulk who’s very into S&M, and Hawkeye.

She-Hulk: Shut your mouth!

Northstar: No really. Hawkeye’s gay.

[Enter Lonni Holland]

Lonni: All right I think you’ve gone far enough!

Photon: Who the hell are you?

Lonni: I’m Lonni Holland, the Avenging Lady! Hawkeye’s greatest fan! You got a problem with that?

Photon: [holds up hands] Hey, no problem here.

Lonni: Besides I need to talk to him.

Northstar: Me?

Lonni: No HIM! [points out]

She-Hulk: You did it now kid.

Chris Hatfield: What’s the matter?

Lonni: I was all right with everything you said before but Hawkeye is NOT gay.

Northstar: Shows what you know.

Lonni: Shut up!

She-Hulk: Better do it, she sounds mad.

Lonni: Take it back!

Chris: I can’t!

Lonni: You can so! Now take it back NOW!

She-Hulk: Better do it kid.

Chris: All right! Hold on let me set everything up.

Chris: While I’m setting everything back up please enjoy this musical starting all of Marvel’s “bad boys!”

[Enter Wolverine] Wolverine: I am woman hear me roar. I am to big to ignore!

[Enter Hulk] Hulk: And I’ll stand and fight you every step I swear!

[Enter Punisher] Punisher: Are we afraid of men?

Hulk and Wolverine: No, no!

Punisher: Are we scared of the man?

Hulk and Wolverine: No, no!

Punisher: Why?

Hulk and Wolverine and Punisher: Because we’re women!

[Enter Ghost Rider] Ghost Rider: My nipples hurt!

Hulk: Yours would!

Wolverine: Meow! This cat’s got claws!

Punisher: And nothing going to keep me down.....because I shout it all around.....

All: We’re WOMAN!!

Northstar: Oh yes. There’s Quasar, Hulk who’s very into S&M, and Gambit.

Wasp: Duh.

Photon: Everyone knows that.

She-Hulk: Except Rogue!

[All laugh]

Wasp: Well what do you say we get back to the shops?

She-Hulk: Ugh. We’ve been shopping all day!

Northstar: I better get back. It’s Hanks and my turn to cook anyway.

Photon: All right. I’ll go with Wasp. I still need to find that blue skirt, but just a skirt Janet. I’m not letting you talk me into anything else.

Wasp: Fine I’ll just buy stuff on my own.

Northstar: All right we’ll see you when we get home. It’ll be an.... interesting dinner.

Photon: Like we would miss that!

She-Hulk: Better then any movie.

Northstar: Right.

Beast: Everyone was trying hard not to look at Thor. And he knew everyone was trying hard not to look at him.

Thor: It was horrible. Really horrible.

Sandman: I had never had more fun!

[All seven are sitting around and having dinner]

Wasp: Thor could you pass me the baby peas?

[Thor passes while Sandman holds back laughter]

She-Hulk: I was planning on staying in tonight. Would anyone like to rent a movie with me?

Sandman: Northstar could rent Great Expectations, and Thor could rent Small Miracles!

Photon: Enough of that you little prick!

Sandman: No that’s Thor.

[Thor throws his roll at Sandman]

Sandman: Come on you walked right into that one!

She-Hulk: Look does anyone want to get a movie with me or not? Monica?

Photon: Sure sounds good.

She-Hulk: Janet?

Wasp: I would. But I’m going out, getting drunk and having sex.

Photon: Who?

Wasp: I met Leonardo Dicaprio a few weeks ago. We’re going out.

Sandman: Geesh you must be three times his age.

Wasp: Watch it! I’m not that old!

She-Hulk: What about you boys?

Beast: Well we would.....but we had a poker game planned. Of course I don’t know now....[looks over at Thor]

Thor: Of course we’re still playing. And I’m going to beat you all. Especially Sandman.

Sandman: Sounds like a night.

Wasp: Just don’t fight.....until I get back.

[She-Hulk and Photon are in their room and in their beds]

Photon: I don’t care how many times I see it. Seeing Aliens always gives me a good cry.

She-Hulk: Your nuts.

Photon: Speaking of nuts. What’s going on with you and Sandman? You two got real close all the sudden.

She-Hulk: Close nothing. We just play pool. It’s a time killer. That’s all.

Photon: Sure.

She-Hulk: I don’t think she believed me.

Photon: I didn’t believe her.

[Thor, Beast, Northstar, and Sandman are sitting around a table playing poker. Only Thor and Sandman have large piles of cash]

Thor: Northstar?

Northstar: Three cards.

Thor: Sandman?

Sandman: One card.

Thor: Beast?

Beast: I’ll stay.

Thor: Dealer takes two cards. All right Northstar. What are you going to do?

Northstar: I’ll call. Two pair aces.

Beast: Damn two pair kings.

Sandman: Three pair!

Thor: Oh damn....

Sandman: Ha! Not your day Thunder God.

Thor: Yep all I have is a full house! Kings and queens! Sorry Sandy.

[Enter Wasp stumbling in]

Wasp: [singing] Looking for my lost salt shaker of souls....

Sandman: Did you look in Beast’s comb?

[Wasps walks up to Thor and puts her arm around him]

Wasp: [her words are slurred] Listen Blondie....It doesn’t mur....matter if you have a small little ding-a-ling. Just as long as you go out and protect the fire stations from The Human Torch.

Beast: She’s drunk!

Wasp: [Points] You just don’t want me to have any fun! None of you talking dogs ever want me to have any fun. [looks over at Northstar] Northstar! Still gay?

Northstar: Uh...yes.

Wasp: Well good. Don’t let the man tell you to have sex with girls if you don’t want to. Because he’ll tell you to. I say go out! Sex for everyone!

Sandman: I’m all for that!

Wasp: [laughs] I would Sandman.....but I don’t want sand in my bed. Besides I think the walls want me to go to bed. They won’t stop looking at me. Stop looking at me!!

[Wasps transforms into her wasp form and slowly flies out the door]

Sandman:.....Ooookkkaayy. Uh, who’s deals is it?

Northstar: Mine. Aces wild.

Sandman: That’s what you always choose.

[Slaps the back of his neck]

Sandman: Damn flies!

Wasp: AGH!

Thor: Janet!

Beast: [yells] What did you do?

Sandman: [yells] I don’t know, I thought she left! I felt the buzzing on my neck! How was I supposed to know?

Northstar: Is she dead?

[Enter She-Hulk and Photon]

She-Hulk: What’s all the shouting about?

Thor: I think Sandman killed Wasp!

Photon: [yells] What?

Sandman: [yells] It was an accident! I thought she was a fly!

Beast: Well? Is she?

Thor: Yes. She’s dead.

[Silence in the room]

Sandman: I call dibs on her room.

Things remain tense for Thor and Northstar, others start to couple up, and the remaining six get a new roommate And it’s a doozy!