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by Paulo Costa

"RHESUS AND BOTTLES OF RHUM"

PROLOGUE:

New York City Zoo, 2 am.

Strange, hulking, anthropoid forms roam next to the cages. They are about 8 foot tall with long arms. Some of them walk on peg legs. They walk quietly, jump over the locked front gate, and board a bus.

The bus drives away. The city that never sleeps does not wake up from its nap.

Jennifer Walters is coming home from shopping, carrying a lot of grocery bags.

"I can't believe the prices these days. If I wasn't a well-payed lawyer I'd be living in a cardbord box." she thinks to herself. She can hardly see a thing with the bags in front of her. And she can't get away from the people who come running past her.

"Whoulnf! Hey, what's going on here?" Her groceries are spread across the floor of the street. A lot of people scream and shout past Jennifer, stepping all over the vegetables.

"Hey, would you people mind? Those are my groceries." Having had enough, Shulkie grabs someone from the crowd.

"OK, what's going on? Why's everybody running?"

"Run! Please, let's go! They're coming... and... and... they're horrible."

She-Hulk lets go of the frightened man, and races against the remainder of the crowd. The street ahead is deserted, but as soon as she turns the corner, what she sees has her flabbergasted.

"M-m-m-monkeys???!!!!!!!!!!" (yeah, with lots of exclamation marks - not-that-flabbergasted Paulo)

Dozens of monkeys are running loose through the street, turning cars over, smashing shop windows, knocking down hydrants. And they are big. Giant even. And they're all dressed like pirates. Some of them are singing. One of them is barking out others.

"Harrr! Ransack this here village. We must all take the loot to our ship."

"Giant Talking Monkey Pirates^TM?" she gasps. "I'm going nuts. Well, nuts or no nuts, I have to stop them. The city was just hit by a crime wave*, and we can't have monkeys trashing about."

(* - See the Crime Wave mini-series - criminal mastermind Paulo)

She-Hulk walks decidedly towards the monkeys.

"Ho-hum! What are you guys doing?"

"Harrr! A wench. This be a green wench."

"Capt'n! Capt'n! We have here a green wench."

"Wench? Why, I'll teach you gorillas some manners." She-Hulk swings her right and hits one monkey in the chest.

"Avast, ye scoundrels. Do nay let a woman best ye." Some monkeys jump Shulkie and dogpile on her, but...

"Get -- off -- of me, you apes!" Jennifer punches some of the monkeys, and throws all of them away. The captain orders retreat.

"Harrr! Away, you landlovers, I be summoning the ship." A large ship, a 16th century galeon, to be more precise, bursts from the clouds. It descends upon the street, and the monkeys climb inside and the ship drifts away through the sky, leaving a baffled jade giantess behind.

Jennifer returns to her appartment, with what she managed to retrieve of her groceries.

"Looks like I'll have to raid the Mansion for a couple of days. Speaking of mansion, I better call the Avengers."

Unfortunately, in Avengers Mansion, only Jarvis is there to answer the phone. She tries the Fantastic Four, but gets no answer from Pier 4.

"Great! Giant talking monkey pirates are running around New York city, and I have to stop them alone. If I had any idea on how I could contact Spider-Man or Daredevil..."

She-Hulk stops ranting, changes into a pair of lycra shorts and a top, turns the TV to SCN, where she luckily finds a report on the monkeys' latest whereabouts, and gets out.

"Guess if someone's going to stop them is me."

Inside the flying galeon that is the HQ of the monkeys, they are celebrating their latest ransack, Macy's, but their festivities are cut short when a loud speaker transmits...

"Captain, I would have a word with you."

"Harrr, maties, I must take leave of ye. Our benefactor wants t'speak t'me." He empties the jar or red wine, and walks to the next door.

The captain enters a room, where a mysterious figure sits behind a desk. We can only see his left arm above the chair's arm.

"What can I do fer ye, sir."

"I understand you had resistance today, and that's why you called the ship so soon after the first pillage."

"Aye, sir. We... were bested by... a wench." says the monkey, ashamed.

"A wench, uh? Describe to me that fearless female."

"She was green, sir. And as strong as 20 whales..."

"Say no more, captain. I know who that... wench is. I will give you the means to dispose of the woman the next time you meet her. Dismissed."

"Thank ye sir. Excuse me." The captain bows and exits.

The mysterious man thinks aloud:
"She-Hulk, eh? Very well, you'll be the first test subject on my study of spandex-clad people. And when that study is complete, I shall be able to eradicate you all." he picks up his phone, dials a number and talks to the person on the other side of the line. "Hatfield. I need you to contact someone for me."

She-Hulk has been flying around the city in a module of the Fantasticar for the last 30 minutes, trying to find any sign of the monkey pirates and their ship. Now, getting past, the twin towers, she sees the ship looming over Liberty Island.

"Oh no you don't. You can have people step on my groceries, you can run amok through downtown, you can even raid my favorite beauty parlor (well, maybe not that one), but when you trash Lady Liberty, you get me mad. And you, monkey-boys, don't want to see me mad."

Flying to the Island, Jennifer puts the Fantasticar module on auto-pilot and leaps to the ground. The monkeys are armed with jackhammers and spray paint.

"Make haste, ya land lovers, the master says he wants to make this statue a mark of his supremeship."

"I like the statue fine as it is." The monkeys all turn to see who that was and see She-Hulk racing towards them.

"Quickly, trap her."

A net is dropped from the ship, and She-Hulk is caught.

"H-Hey, what gives? Ha, you gorillas don't actually think this net can hold me."

"On the contrary, woman. We were told this net makes itself stronger anytime you tries to escape. Now, we'll take ye --"

"OWAOWOAOAOWOAOAWAOWA" a Tarzan like scream is heard, and a red-clad figure leaps to the ground, holding onto a rope. The figure swoops down, and grabs She-Hulk.

"Wha --? Spidey?"

"No. You Shulkie, me Deadpool."

We stop now, because this is becoming very weird.

"And don't forget, kiddies, eat your vegetables, so you can become big, strong, fast-mouthed, kitten-drowning, Dragonball-loving mercs like me."

Deadpool, this issue is over, get out! Oh, and don't forget to write me, Paulo Costa.

He does not know how this came to be. Less than an hour ago, he was in California, enjoying the company of a beautiful woman. Now he is running for his life, to get away from the big, hulking monster. He is middle-aged, his hair line having receided a bit in the past years. He wears spectacles and has a beard.

His path is blocked by the monster that was chasing him. How is that possible?

"Nah, nah, nah, Johnny. You know you can't get away from me. You ruined my reputation. You ruined my life. And now you must pay." He turns to the other side and enters an alley. And he remembers.

"Jennifer, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see you again. I hope I'm not imposing with this little visit."

"My dear John, you know you can visit my Catalina beach house anytime. I was about to go take a dip in the swimming pool. I hope you brought your swimsuit."

"As a matter a fact, I am." he replies smiling.

In the alley, he hides behind some crates. The monster is near.

"Oh, Jooooohny! Where are you hiding? Come out come out wherever you are!"

"Psst! Buddy." he hears "In here." A door opens behind him. He gets in.

"Thanks. Uh, who are you?"

"Don't worry, you're safe with us." is the reply from the shadows. "We're your friends. We'll take care of you."

They step out from the shadows. Electro. Dr. Octopus. Sandman. Green Goblin.

"B-b-but you're villains. W-why would you help me?"

"We'll help all right." The Goblin grins. "We'll help killing you."

"And we promise to make it veeeery painful." Octopus adds.

"No."

"Would you like a drink?" Jennifer asks.

"Don't mind if I do." John is lying down in the sun. "How are you doing?"

"Fine, really. I've been with the Fantastic Four a while, then I went back into law practice."

"That's good to hear. I never thought you'd go back to that."

"Of course you didn't you son of a bitch."

"What?" The scenery shifts. John is no longer at the pool. He is wearing his clothes again. Destruction and desolation lay around him. A storm approaches.

"Yes. Everyone lost their respect for me. And it's all your fault. Because of you, I was fighting losers and rejects." She now has the features of a monster.

"No." Sandman grabs him.

"I was a hero. By my own right. I was allowed into the Avengers. I was pardonned. Spider-Man was now my friend."

"And us, we were menacing. We had a personality. You took all that away from us." Electro says. "You rearranjed our past. We're no longer our own, you now answer to him, always had." Electro points to Green Goblin.

Something crashes through the wall. It's the monster.

"Let him go." The monster orders. "He's mine."

"Sure, Shulkie." Sandman says. "He's all yours." He throws John at her.

"Jennifer... Shulkie... please."

"DON'T CALL ME SHULKIE!!!" She punches through the wall, picks him up by the neck and starts to squeeze.

"GAAH! No! gah..." he wakes up, scared and sweaty. He tries to put clear his mind and make sense of the dream he had. "I don't understand. Was this a premonition? What am I doing to these characters? I-I think I better be careful with what I write... I..."

High from above the Earth, inside his citadel on the surface of the Moon, Uatu watches and records. It is done. In this reality, John Byrne will not write Chapter One. His treatment of characters will be respectful to what has come before.