Web Hosting by Netfirms | Free Domain Names by Netfirms

by Paulo Costa

"AH, SO THEY'RE ACTUALLY WORKING FOR YOU!"

Last issue: Giant Talking Monkey Pirates thrashed about in New York. She-Hulk didn't like it and tried to stop them. A mystery man is controlling the monkeys. Deadpool plays Tarzan and saves She-Hulk. And Chris Hatfield appeared in the story, too.

"OWAOWOAOAOWOAOAWAOWA" a Tarzan like scream is heard, and a red-clad figure leaps to the ground, holding onto a rope. The figure swoops down, and grabs She-Hulk.

"Wha --? Spidey?"

"No. You Shulkie, me Deadpool."

"Don't call me Shulkiiiiiiiiiiiieee!" The bungee efffect of the rope takes them back up to the head of the statue (jeepers, that sure looks like a long drop). "What are you doing here, Deadpool?"

"I was contracted to capture the monkeys."

"Capture? Not kill? That's odd. And why did you save me?"

"That's the funny part. My employer said in his e-mail there was a bonus if I saved you. 'Course I'd do it for free as long as I'd get a chance to feel your materials." Deadpool's grin is visible through his mask. Jennifer is fuming, but she calmly grabs 'Pool by the waist and brings him near the window.

"How would you like to feel the material of the ground?"

"Geez, can't a guy make a sexual innuendo without a broad pullin' her feminism..."

"Can it. How are we supposed to capture those apes?"

Meanwhile, the monkeys have put their tools down and are looking up to the statue. The captain has been conferencing with their benefactor.

"-- rescued by some sort of jester, who flew to th' top of this 'ere statue."

"Don't worry, captain. He won't get in your way. You just have to capture the female and steal the statue."

The monkey pirate leaves the room. The mystery man calls up a file on his computer. "My plan has begun sooner than I expected. Even so, this won't be a problem. After I steal the Statue of Liberty, I'll ask the US government for a ransom, and this will teach them to ignore me."

In the meantime, She-Hulk has taken Deadpool back into town in her Fantasticar module.

"To the harbor, jade giantess. We must retrieve a priceless object from yon location." Deadpool mocks.

"What do you think you're going to do? I won't help you steal anything."

"Relax, Shulkie, it ain't something many people are gonna miss, except maybe the folks at the fruit aisle in the supermarket. There!" Deadpool points at a crane unloading a shipment of bananas from Costa Rica.

"Bananas? You're going to capture monkeys with bananas?"

"Of course. Our readers are expecting something wacky. And it's a known fact monkeys love bananas." She-Hulk slaps her forehead.

At Liberty Island, the sound of construction tools stops. All of the monkey pirates, ordered by the mysterious villain, return to their ship, and as it flies off, a tractor beam picks the Statue up.

Inside the ship, the mysterious figure smiles while looking at various computer screens. One shows the Statue in tow, another reads "METAHUMAN EVALUATION" and shows pictures of She-Hulk and Deadpool. Another presents a long text titled "RANSOM DEMANDS". He is pleased. The world is ready for him to exact revenge upon. This time, he'll show them all. He picks up his phone.

"Hatfield."

"Sir."

"Be ready to send the ransom demands to the President of the United States as soon as we clear American air space. I'm e-mailing them to you... now."

"Roger sir. By the way, She-Hulk and Deadpool started working together after they left Liberty Island. They have hijacked a supply of... bananas, sir. I don't know what they intend to do with them, but I just thought you should know."

"Thank you, Hatfield, but there is no need to worry. I have everythinunder control."

"Understood sir. Hatfield out."

"Step on it, Shulkie, I got a contract to keep."

"Will you shut up? It's already hard for the module to carry this much weight, and controling it is even worse." She-Hulk is, of course, refering to the bananas they picked up on the harbor. "Besides, be grateful I'm letting you tag along."

"Tag along? May I remind you saving you was in the contract?"

"I wonder who'd hire you to save me? And how would you know where to save me?

"I dunno. I don't ask that sort of questions. 'Course, I asked my pal Weasel to investigate who that e-mail address belonged to. And I didn't move a muscle until my swiss bank account was a little larger. You never know with them Internet geek types.

She-Hulk cuts him off and points to the sky. "There! The monkeys ship!"

"Kewl! Bananas are gonna fly! Does this thing have any lasers?"

"No."

"Gotta do everything myself." Deadpool says as he picks up an Acme Big Gun^TM. "Mass destruction projectile... away."

"Wait, what about the st--"

Deadpool fires, and a couple of seconds later, a large explosion is heard, opening a wide hole on the back section of the flying galeon. It loses balance, and trambles a little, but the statue doesn't fall. Inside, everybody is shaken up by the explosion. The systems suffer damages, but engines and the tractor beam all stay inline.

The mysterious villain gets to a communicator, but that has been damaged and is not functioning.

"Damn. I didn't want to have to do this, but..." He pushes a button on a remote device, and a voice rings out in the monkey captain's head. "Captain, my room, now."

The giant monkey approaches the room, knocks and enters. "Sir?"

"We have been attacked, and possibly invaded. Find the intruders, and have them bound and delivered to me. Now!".

"Aye, sir. Right away." He leaves, joining up with his crew. "Harrr, maties, find the stowaways and bring them t'me."

In the meantime, Shulkie and 'Pool have boarded the ship.

"Say, Shulkie, how come you ain't broken the fourth wall on this issue yet?"

"I've specified it in my contract, no fourth-wall breaking for this story. And don't call me Shulkie"

"Here come the monkeys, get me the bananas and watch."

"You're just plain ridiculous, big-mouth. Here."

The shouts of "HARRR! HARRR!" round up the corner. "Capt'n! The green wench. And the jester."

"Get'em, ye fools."

"STOP!" Deadpool yells. "Hey, Cheetah, I got an offer for you and your space monkey pals. Howzabout I give you these bananas and you guys split? Pun intended."

The monkeys look at each other, and attack. "HAAARRRR!"

Deadpool grabs his chin. "I do not understand. This was tested by CIA. It should be fool-proof. Ah well, guess it's back to old-fashioned mayhem." Wade Wilson grabs a gun and starts firing.

She-Hulk jumps into the frey, while asking "What are you doing? I thought you were suppose to capture the monkeys."

"Keep your leotard on. These are tranquilizer darts. I'm a professional."

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to stop giant monkeys. To make matters worse, they are jumped from above by three monkeys with an electrode net.

"Damn. This is the net they used on me the last time(*). We're trapped.

(*)Last issue - can't-think-of-any-fun-line-to-use-here Paulo.

"Ha Ha Ha Ha! Ye are both me prisoners. And ye shall be taken to the master."

"... haven't taken your demands seriously, sir. I believe they will be calling S.H.I.E.L.D. to solve this matter."

"Fools! I'll show them. They can't toy with me. As soon as I deal with a little infestation, I'll steal the Golden Gate Bridge. And then, then, they'll know my full power."

Someone knocks at the door. He tells them to come in.

"The prisoners, sir."

"Ah, good, captain, good. She-Hulk, Deadpool, welcome."

"I suppose you're the megalomaniacal villain with some weird plan to conquer the world or something." She-Hulk spouts.

"Yes. Yes, I am. The difference is, unlike my peers, I will succeed. All the world will tremble at my name!"

"And what is your name?"

"No need to know that yet. All you need to know is you pesky metahumans won't rule this planet any more. After years of seeing my genius surpassed by your achievements, I am now ready to strike. It was lucky, I suppose, that you, She-Hulk would attack my giant talking monkey pirates."

"Lucky?"

"Yes. It allowed me to start my plans sooner than I expected. After you attacked them, I hired Deadpool to "rescue" you. I wanted to see how super-heroes worked together, and I thought it simpler to hire one to save you instead of waiting for the clichéd "hero meets hero"."

"Riiight. And why the monkeys?"

"They're resourceful enough not to need constant supervising, and dumb enough not to doublecross me."

"You said you were the one who hired me? I don't follow. And why me?"

"It was just an excuse. I don't really need the monkeys to be captured by external operatives. I have my own ways to keep them under control if need be. As for you, I noticed you were acting a bit more moral lately. Not exactly a "hero", but you are one of the best mercenaries in the business, and in order to study the weaknesses of superheroes, I separated you into "categories", and I study the best of each ones."

"Y'know somethin'. I think you're just coockoo. And maybe you should have done your homework better. Ta-ta." Saying this, Deadpool vanishes.

"Hey, what's going on? What did he do?"

"He just teleported away. Yes, I knew he could do that. The truth is I didn't really want to imprison any of you. Now, I will set you free, and you will tell you Avenger friends that I'm coming. And that they're powerless to stop me."

"Just one more thing."

"What?"

"This." She-Hulk gets up and punches the mystery guy's lights out.

"You were so busy playing the movie villain act the dampener net lost all power. Now let's see, where can I find some controls? Ah! This seems like it? Now to return Lady Liberty to good ol' NY."

But the villain manages to wake up, and, a bit groggy, slips slowly on the floor to a hidden panel. The wall rotates, and he disappears into another room."

"What?" She-Hulk turns with the noise. "He got away. Damn."

The villain escapes inside a small craft. From there, he commands his army of giant talking monkey pirates to abandon ship. Ten minutes later, a few flying lifeboats are getting away from the galeon.

"Seems like I was defeated. Oh well, I was a little careless, but I learn from my mistakes. Next time, neither She-Hulk nor any "superhero" will escape the might of... IRVING FORBUSH." He ponders something for a while. "Maybe I'll reprogram my monkeys to be Giant Talking Monkey 1930 Hoodlums next time.

THE END (or something like that)

Write me

GIANT TALKING MONKEY MAIL

Looks like some people liked the first part of my story. Let's see what they had to say.

From Chris Hatfield:

Hi there,

Just read your She-Hulk story. I'm thrilled to see someone use her. I also
enjoyed seeing a second story tagged on, pretty clever.

Hey, I saw one of your evil characters is named Hatfield. Is this a coincidence,
or did you do this on purpose? (knowing my last name is Hatfield)

Either way, thrilled your using the green girl and thrilled to be a villain.
 
 

Review on the mv-1talk list, by Sam Everett.

MARVEL FANFARE #80 (Paulo "Rolla'" Costa)--I'll be honest and say that I
didn't much think I'd like this story going into it, as it's about She-Hulk,
and she never did anything for me. And as I got going, I groaned at the
thought of talking monkey pirates...but then BOOM! These monkeys, they've got
a real purpose! And She-Hulk...why, Paulo's given her a real dynamic
personality! By now I'm really into this story, and this is before the
surprise at the end! What a fun ride! If Paulo keeps pulling out all the
stops, I'll be on board for the rest of this arc for sure!