Blob: “Strike!”

Avalanche: “Oh, come on! Half the pins were down by the time you let go of the ball! I swear, there should be a law against fat people bowling. A half-ton weight limit.”

Blob: “Bite me, Dominic. At least I didn’t use my powers to beat that seven-ten split.”

Avalanche: “I ain’t breaking no rules tubbo.”

Pyro: “Pipe down, mates. You’re making a bloody scene. Dom, Freddy won the frame fair and square. You’re buying the next round.”

Blob: “I’ll have some fries, and a couple hot dogs, and several slushies, and maybe a dozen Snickers bars, and I think I’ll take-”

Avalanche: “The deal’s a round of bear each frame, not lunch. For crying out loud, on the way here to practically put a hot dog vendor’s kids through college!”

Pyro: “He’s right Fred. If you want anything extra, it’s out of your pocket.”

Blob: “Yeah yeah. I was just joking. Besides, I’d rather build up my appetite for the lunch you guys’ll be buying me once I’ve finished winning this thing.”

Avalanche: “Fat chance fatty. We’ve still got one frame left, and I’m only five pins down. After this round, I’ll show you how it’s done. Hey toots! Get your tight ass over here!”

Waitress: “Another round boys?”

Avalanche: “Yeah babe. And here’s a little something for you. Not get going.”

Waitress: “Pig.”

Pyro: “You need to work on the way you treat women, Dominic. These days, stuffing cash down cleavage and slapping them on the ass isn’t enough to get them in the sack. Nowadays you need something called romance.”

Avalanche: “Yeah, and I’ll bet you know something about that.”

Pyro: “I did make a mite tidy living writing romance novels.”

Blob: “I’ve read your books, John. Only a geek that has never been laid could write crap like that.”

Pyro: “When was the last time you got laid, ya tub of lard? I’ll wager you crushed the last hooker you bought.”

Blob: “Last night. And no, I didn’t crush her.”

Avalanche: “Bull! This is the first time any of us have left the monastery except for missions. There’s no way you could’ve gotten a...hooker?”

Blob: “That’s right bozo. I got lucky with a teammate.”

Pyro: “Blimey. I knew you and Morty knew each other from way back, but-”

Blob: “Haw haw! Very funny Aussie. Fer your information, it was that Unuscione chick.”

Avalanche: “....that’s just sick man.”

Blob: “What? So she’s the daughter of an old pal. It’s not like I’m her uncle or anything.”

Pyro: “Blimey, haven’t you read her personal file, mate?”

Blob: “Ummm, no. I tried to use the computer once, but my fingers are too big.”

Avalanche: “Heh...uh, just a minute man. I need to take a leak.”

Pyro: “Uh, yeah. Me too. One sec.”

Avalanche: “Hahahahahahaha! Oh man, this is rich! Can I tell him John? I really, really wanna tell him!”

Pyro: “I’d rather let him keep making an ass out of himself, then take a Polaroid of his face when he finally figures out the whole bloody thing.”

Avalanche: “Yeah, that’d be a lot funnier. Christ man, is that a side-effect of the cure that just came out?”

Pyro: “It bleedin’ well isn’t! .....had Masque do it.”

Avalanche: “Wow. I didn’t think he could use his power like that.”

Pyro: “Well, if he was able to make Toad’s tongue that long...”

Avalanche: “Ya got that right. You think Unuscione had him do a little...”

Pyro: “It’d be a damned sight cheaper than plastic surgery.”

Avalanche: “Maybe I should let him do a little work on me. I’ve been meaning to change my face anyway, on account of the warrents. A little extra wouldn’t hurt.”

Pyro: “From where I’m looking, it could only help.”

Avalanche: “What the hell is that supposed to mean!?”

Blob: “You guys feeling better?”

Avalanche: “Lots. What say we finish this thing?”

Blob: “Hell yeah. The Ponderosa’s gonna be closing soon!”

Pyro: “Freddy me pal, the moment they see you coming, they’ll lock the place up lickity-split!”

Blob: “Haw-de-fucking-haw matchstick. Shut yer hole and let me bowl.”

Avalanche: “Well I’ll be, the Blob actually said something poetic. I’d say you just earned your second appearance on Ripley’s Believe it or Not.”

Blob: “They didn’t let me in. Said my immense wieght was the result of my mutation.”

Pyro: “That’s bull. You’re immovable, that’s it.”

Blob: “Damned right. I’ve worked hard to reach my ideal weight of five hundred fifty-five pounds. Oughta kick that Dean Cain’s Superman ass all over town. Now watch and learn boys....Strike!”

Avalanche: “One down. Two to go. So, you willing to go for the next hurdle Fred? Gonna go for another one hundred eleven pounds?”

Blob: “I may not be the nicest guy in the world, but if there’s one thing I still have, it’s religion. The last thing I need to see is the mark of Satan on the weight scale. Probably burst into flames or something.”

Pyro: “Only if you eat chili beans beforehand. Blimey, that cookoff in D.C. was the only time I ever lost control of my powers. Before I got the Legacy Virus, of course.”

Avalanche: “Yeah, how’s that new cure working? It’s funny, Toad said it wasn’t even close to those samples we took from Genosha.”

Pyro: “Whatever route that nut Apocalypse took, it seems to have done the trick. I’m in control, and the bloody fits I’ve been having are gone. I hope it lasts.”

Blob: “With that psycho, you never know. Now shut up so I can concentrate here.”

Avalanche: “For crying out loud Fred, pull up your damn pants! Every time you walk up to the lane, your ass gets more cleavage than a convention of Dolly Parton impersonators!”

Pyro: “Except I ain’t getting no bloody hard on! Thank god.”

Blob: “Don’t you guys have anything better to do than stare at my ass?”

Avalanche: “....just shut up and bowl.”

Blob: “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now sit down, shut up, and watch the master at work. Shit.”

Avalanche: “Tsk tsk. Too bad Fred. But hey, maybe you can still pick up the spare.”

Blob: “Booyah. Consider it a gift Dominic. Now you actually have a shot at beating me.”

Avalanche: “Twenty-five pins. Some gift. Now I know why you never played Santa Clause at the Freedom Force Christmas Party.”

Pyro: “That was because Mystique played the part perfectly and you bloody well know it. Now quit yer bloody whining and finish up the set so we can eat!”

Avalanche: “Hold onto that temper there John. Real names in public, remember? But yeah, the old boss always did a good job of keeping us happy. Didn’t pay as much as Morty is now, but man those outfits she’d wear!”

Blob: “Heck yeah. I may not have seen my sausage in years, but being around Raven always let me know it was still working.”

Pyro: “Fred, don’t ever talk about sex again. I’m bloody serious. We’re going out to eat after this, ya fat bloke!”

Avalanche: “Yeah, but Fred’s still got a point. Even if she couldn’t just shift into the body of any supermodel, Raven’s still a hottie. Any of you guys seen her naked?”

Pyro: “We’ve all seen her naked. Her clothes are just an extension of her body that she shapeshifted. But there was this one time when she had to seduce a room full of Maggia guys while I blew their weapons stockpile and stole the plans of something called a Dreadnaught. I almost blew the mission, but I snuck a peek.”

Blob: “Still, it wasn’t her real body. I don’t think anybody but Irene has ever gotten it with the real Raven.”

Avalanche: “You knew about that?!”

Blob: “I’m not that stupid. Their relationship was obvious. ‘Course, I always thought Irene was a little old for Raven, but there’s no accounting for taste.”

Pyro: “Raven’s a bloody shapeshifter ya wank! She could be a million years for all we know and still look better than any bloody model in the world!”

Avalanche: “Yeah. You guys ever notice how all the women in our business are knockouts? Even Irene, at her age, had great legs.”

Pyro: “Too busy thanking god to really notice. But come to think of it, it’s not just the woman in the biz. Of all the women I’ve seen in the world, they’ve all either been incredibly beautiful with amazing bodies, or especially fat and unattractive. I haven’t seen a plain looking woman in, oh, as long as I can remember.”

Blob: “Doesn’t seem that realistic, come to think of it.”

Avalanche: “Eh well. It’s probably just in our heads. And anyway, I’d rather talk when I’m eating. Watch and learn Fred.”

Blob: “Thanks for dinner, Dominic.”

Avalanche: “I still say I won fair and square.”

Pyro: “Get off it Dom. Everybody in the place felt the shakes. Next time you use your powers, make sure your sober enough to use ‘em. You knocked down the pins in all the other lanes!”

Avalanche: “That wouldn’t have been necessary if Fred’s sweat didn’t make the floor so slippery. Here’s a tip Fred, when simple tasks like walking and swinging your arms tire you out, you know you’re fat.”

Blob: “Thanks for the tip. Now pass me the baby-back ribs.”

Pyro: “Mates, there’s something I’ve been planning to talk with the two of you about. An’ well, seeing as how this is the first time in a long while the three of us have really hung out, it seems like the best time for me to have my say. I guess what I’m getting at is-”

Steve: “Oh my god! You guys are the Big Three of the BoM!

Avalanche: “Huh? Who the hell are you?”

Steve: “I’m Steve Crosby, and I’m your biggest fan! I mean, put together you guys have been associated with every incarnation of the Brotherhood. Well, except for that version that ended up as Mutant Force and then the Resistants, but most people tend to forget they were once gathered under Magneto as a Brotherhood. You guys are the Big Three, the elite powerhouses that make the Brotherhood of Mutants what it is! You guys are my idols! Well, next to the Toad that is!”

Blob: “....how often were you dropped on the head as a baby?”

Pyro: “Get yer facts straight kid. We’re the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Crikey, that faggot Havok decides to straddle the line by removing a pivotal word, and suddenly every team formed afterwards is stuck with that image.”

Steve: “Well, uh, why do you call yourselves evil? I mean, you claim to be doing all this stuff for the good of mutankind, don’t you?”

Pyro: “Well, some dumbass writer, Alex Kruegar or something like that, had this theory that we labeled ourselves that way so that the X-Men would be forced into the role of good. Theyr’d have to be the moral barometer of mutantkind, in effect persecuting their own people. That might have been how Magneto thought it up, but to the rest of us it’s shit.”

Steve: “Why’s that?”

Avalanche: “Because we are evil, you little prick! We like stealing, killing, and generally using our powers to lord it over the rest of you little ants.”

Blob: “I personally love to bear-hug little fanboys until their heads pop off.”

Pyro: “Nice work Fred. That got rid of him. Geek was starting to get on my nerves.”

Avalanche: “I was this close to crushing his bones to powder. Imagine comparing us to the Toad!”

Blob: “I know. How can he like Mortimer better? I fought the X-Men first, and I nearly beat them on my own! Say, didn’t Mort complain about being bothered by a fanboy a few weeks back?”

Pyro: “Geez, that was probably the same guy. I told ya we shouldn’t have come to Pheonix!”

Avalanche: “I gotta say John, you were right. I admit I was hoping for a chance to beat the hell out of the Champions, but fanboys? Christ, they’re almost too pathetic to beat up, and they’re so annoying I wanna kill myself every time I see one.”

Blob: “Still, it sure does feed the ego to see fat kids more pathetic than me. Anyway, what were you talking about John?”

Pyro: “Just give me a mite Dominic. That bloody runt made me lose my train of thought. Well, I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about things lately, on account of my near-death experience and all. Back in the old days the three of us hung around a lot. Raven and Irene usually kept to themselves when they weren’t bossing us around, and those three old fogies treated us like we were rookies. Heh, maybe I should show some respect for the dead, but I just never liked those bloody wanks.”

Blob: “Those guys got on my nerves too. Especially that Stonewall guy. Man, everytime I think about how he got blown away on Muir Island, I just laugh and laugh.”

Avalanche: “Besides, Crimson Commando’s not dead. I managed to get what was left of him outa Iraq in time, and the government guys cobbled him together into something workable. He’s some cyborg now, going by the name Commando.”

Blob: “I’d hate to think you left me and John behind for nothing.”

Pyro: “Sod off Fred! Dominic did what he thought was best and you know it!”

Avalanche: “Besides, we know who to really blame for what happened out there. You all saw those reports Mystique sent proving that the government sent us on a suicide mission. Bastards decided we weren’t any use to them anymore, and they arranged to discard us like garbage.”

Blob: “Right now, I’d give anything to wring that bitch Cooper’s neck.”

Avalanche: “They’ll get their’s someday, Fred.”

Pyro: “You said it Dom. With Raven on the inside the way she is, we’re bound to get our shot soon. We’ll just need to clear the way first, of course. Wipe out some do-gooders like the Avengers and SHIELD and X-Men and the like. But I’m losing my track of mind again. What I’m trying to say is...well, you two blokes are the best friends I’ve ever had. We’ve been through a lot together mates, and I wouldn’t trade those days for the world.”

Avalanche: “We’ve watched each other’s backs for years, haven’t we? Hell, the whole reason I first joined this new outfit was so I could find you guys. One of the things I always regretted was leaving you two behind. It’s a mistake I’ve been trying to make up for ever since.”

Blob: “Considered it paid tonight pal. I’d hate to say it, but that geek Steve was right. Out of all the guys I’ve worked with in all the Brotherhoods, you guys are the only ones I ever really considered my brothers. *sniff* You guys have been like family to me, and it’s been an honor fighting alongside you all these years.”

Pyro: “You’ve said it big guy. I propose we have a toast mates.”

Avalanche: “Dude, I like you and all, but if you call me your mate again I’m gonna have to beat that boney ass of yours. What do ya wanna toast to?”

Pyro: “To the bloody Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, of course! To power, glory, fun, and most of all, to beating the bloody hell out of anybody who gets in our way!”

Blob: “I’ll drink to that!”

Blob, Pyro, Avalanche: “TO THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MUTANTS!”

Next Issue: The Five Faces of Evil wraps up with the story of Mountjoy, the most malicious and blood-thirsty villain of them all!

Stephen Crosby